


Day #25: Seek Peace

by Accal1a



Series: December Nickels Insanity [25]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux, Sidewinder Series - Abigail Roux
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-07 14:31:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16855738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a
Summary: Nick and Kelly think back on their time in war, during the season of peace.





	Day #25: Seek Peace

Kelly had tossed and turned for hours, long enough that Nick himself was getting fitful sleep. Eventually, he pulled Kelly towards him, wrapped his arm around Kelly's shoulder and cradled Kelly's head to his chest, attempting to soothe him. He rocked them slightly and Kelly seemed to drop back to sleep.

When Nick awoke, it was to find Kelly, his head still resting on his chest, idly stroking his fingers up and down Nick's side.

"Kels?"

"Sorry. Did I wake you?" Kelly said, immediately pulling his hand away from Nick's side.

"No, you're okay," Nick replied, smiling, "Merry Christmas."

Kelly pulled away from Nick at the comment, flopping to his back and staring at the ceiling.

"Kels?" Nick repeated, propping himself up on an elbow so he could look down at his boyfriend.

"Do you ever think of the people we've killed?" Kelly asked.

Nick looked down sharply, confused and taken aback by the sudden question. "What?"

"I just," Kelly said, shifting to sit up in bed, "doesn't Christmas make you think about peace? _Shouldn't_ it make you think about peace? We weren't very peaceful."

"We did what was necessary, Kels." Nick said, similarly sitting up, attempting to catch Kelly's eye and failing.

"Did we?" Kelly whispered. 

Sometimes the idea of the US troops being a peace keeping force choked him. He didn't feel like he had ever been a peace keeping force. He'd been trained to kill and he'd been trained to save lives. The dichotomy was a constant war inside his chest; one he didn't know how to get his own peace from.

"Of course we did." Nick said with utter conviction. 

"How can you…I _know_ there were things we were ordered to do that you didn't agree with." Kelly spat, though the venom was not at his partner, but at the situation they had been in, at the situation so many men and women ended up in.

Nick carefully didn't examine the way Kelly knowing things he shouldn't have known made him feel. If Kelly could have been a confidante when he was deployed, would he have been less fucked up when he had returned?

"That's not the job." Nick said weakly, and he couldn’t even be annoyed when Kelly scoffed, because it had sounded stupid to his ears too.

"Bullshit."

"Kels."

"No! You know what, FUCK THAT. We're supposed to be a peace-keeping force? Well how about we stop with all the fucking wars then?"

"That's…"

"What's the point of sending all these young people to these hellholes? Telling them that it's for a big strong ideal, deifying them to the masses when we're STILL. AT. WAR?"

"It's…"

Kelly pushed his way out of the bed and stood, pacing away from the bed for a second before turning and pacing back. His hair was far more dishevelled than it should be from just a night of sleep, and belatedly Nick realised he must have been running his hands through it for most of the night. Had he slept at all?

"Kels…" Nick continued.

"Fuck them, Nick! You could have _died_!"

_Oh._

After the outburst, Kelly seemed to lose all steam and he collapsed back to the bed, sitting on the edge, his forearms on his knees, head hanging below his shoulders.

Nick moved behind his lover, spreading his legs so he could hug Kelly completely, and pulling Kelly's back against his chest, wrapping his arms around him.

"Shh, I'm here." Nick whispered, rocking them gently. "I'm here."

Nick felt hot, wet tears land on his arms that surrounded Kelly but he didn't say anything more, just let his presence and his warmth soothe his lover as he mourned a loss that never came to pass.

Kelly moved his hands up to his cheeks, scrubbing angrily at his face to get the moisture to dry. He leant his head back against his boyfriend's chest, bringing his hands back down to rest on Nick's. He breathed out quickly and whispered a soft "fuck" under his breath.

"God, Nick. I wasn't there…I couldn't…what if…"

Nick pulled away from Kelly for long enough to move around on the bed, ending up cross legged. He turned Kelly's head to look at him and was rewarded with a watery smile.

Kelly moved so that he was mirroring Nick's pose, and Nick linked both of their hands together. He focused on them for a moment, squeezing them, allowing Kelly to feel the truth in the fact that he was here, he was tangible, he wasn't going anywhere.

"I could have _lost_ you," Kelly said quietly, speaking to their joined hands, "before we'd ever got a chance to become this, become us. I would have been here, alone, and I couldn't have saved you if you needed it. You'd have been…"

"Kels, stop. Please." Nick begged, desperately wanting Kelly to stop this spiral. "I'm out. We're both out."

"I don't know what I would have done without you, Nicko," Kelly said, finally looking into his boyfriend's eyes.

"You never have to find that out. I promise." Nick said, and he meant it with every fibre of his being.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and visit the [Cut & Run Discord Server](https://discord.gg/vvy6c76) and join us as we discuss/scream about this awesome series.


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